Ghost Pepper
by Dalxein
Summary: Uzumaki Naruto, child of the Yondaime and Uzumaki Kushina. On the night he was born, his father locked their minds and chakra within the boy's seal along with the Kyuubi no Yoko. But you can't have three minds in the same body without something bleeding over. Tempered by his father's will and his mother's strength, Naruto sets out to become his own man- the greatest of the Hokage.
1. Casting Shadows

MUAAAAHAHAHAHAAA! New fic.

To all my returning readers, I bid you greetings, and to all my new readers, I say sit the fuck down because this is going to be a hell of a shindig. Standard start of fic shit- I don't own Naruto, and I fucking hate Musashi Kishimoto. Flames are delt with properly here- I'll rip them apart and post both sides of your textual asskicking on the forums where everyone can laugh at you. If you have something negative to say, it'd damn well better be constructive.

Now that that's said, let's move on. I've been trying to get back into writing Naruto fics formore than three years. As previously stated, I rather despise the author of Naruto canon for how piss-poorly he's handled it. The whole damn thing is more retcon than original story now.

Anywhut, for those still waiting on the re-write of my most popular story, Our Red Eyes, it's coming but it'll take a while. Writing something the second time is much harder than writing it the first time.

So then. Please enjoy.

* * *

Uzumaki. In this day and age, not much is known of the Uzumaki clan. The name is barely mentioned in the history books; long forgotten in the midst of the second great shinobi war. Very few alive even knew that the destruction of the Uzumaki clan, and their village of Uzushiogakure, was the linchpin breaking that cascaded into one of the greatest wars the shinobi world had seen since the formation of the great villages.

Today, though… the Uzumaki are nearly extinct. Remnants fluttering about on the wind like the ash of their ancestral home as it burned.

But, just as clumps of ash will occasionally fall to the ground as unbroken flakes, so too did the few remaining residents of Uzushiogakure find new homes to settle.

This is the tale of one such family, and the tragic fate of their last remaining son.

(*)

Naruto looked out over the expanse of the village from his place atop the Hokage Monument. The setting sun was already well behind the mountain, and the chill of night was beginning to creep into the breeze as it swept through his hair and open jacket. It was unlike the usually boisterous blonde, but he was in deep thought, contemplating the last twelve years of his life. In the past decade, he'd had a bizarre and difficult life. Even he, as dull as he'd admit himself to be, could see that he was different.

He had been denied care at the orphanage when he was little. He couldn't remember back that far, but he'd been told the Hokage and his family, especially his daughter-in-law, had taken care of him until he was about three. After that, the Sandaime had said it was time for Naruto to be introduced into the system as any other orphan caused by the Kyuubi's assault. Unfortunately, no orphanage would take him, and his status left him unable to be safely adopted by any of the clans, including the small Sarutobi clan. The political dissent instigated by the adoption of the Jinchuuriki into any one clan would be disastrous- the power any clan would gain from that one child within their ranks held the possibility of another clan revolting to protect their interests, especially the volatile but noble Uchiha clan, or the proud but near-violently traditionalist Hyuuga.

Naruto knew nothing of his Jinchuuriki status, or the political hurdles caused by it, however. He thought himself an orphan who was too weak for the clans to take interest in, or too hated for a non-clan family to adopt. He did think of the Sandaime as his grandfather, and had even heard stories from the old man of the wonderful woman who'd taken care of him as a baby and loved him like a son, until she sadly died giving birth to her own son, Konohamaru. Naruto hadn't asked after the young boy at the time because he'd felt angry at his 'little brother' for taking their mother from them, and later had forgotten of him entirely. What he'd known of the boy's father was that after his wife's death, he'd requested more and more dangerous and reckless missions until one day, he never returned. The only Sarutobi other than the old man that Naruto had known if only in passing was Asuma, who he'd given up speaking about when he learned the man blamed his father for his brother's death and left the village on a long mission for the Daimyo to spite their Hokage.

Naruto shook his head. He hadn't thought of little Konohamaru or that smokestack Asuma in years, and he had no idea what brought that on. With a chuckle, he continued to reminisce. His home life was adequate, having been assigned his own apartment at the age of five after some shuffling around between 'trusted' families without settling down long enough for any attachments to form. These were his first memories- the kind people of Konoha, friends of their Hokage, who took care of him when he was in need, but were distant in a way his toddling mind could never grasp. Then his Jiji had given him a place of his own, and told him that his 'good friends' as he'd called the ANBU, would check on him and make sure he had everything he needed.

'Good Friends' indeed. That was the easiest way the Hokage could get the four-year-old to trust the masked, and occasionally unmasked, ghosts. Naruto knew full well he hadn't had any concept of what a 'ninja' was back then. How could he? He was just a stupid kid. Well, he was still a stupid kid… but he was a less-stupid almost-teenager now.

When he'd started the pre-classes and accelerated studies courses on shinobi training at the age of six, he was ecstatic. He could be like his Jiji someday! Like the nice people who kept him safe and fed, and made sure he was okay when he went out on his own!

Oh, but how stupid he was back then. With any skill he was good at, he proved average in the class ratings. Skills he was poor in weren't even worth mentioning as anything but glaring weaknesses. And to think some of these kids were expected to graduate at eight to ten years old. Naruto hadn't known that they were children of clans whose prestige and social status wouldn't allow them to be anything but assets to Konoha- weapons of their village and tools of the Kage, without political or social training that might aid them in living their lives instead of being Shinobi. Of course he was going to fail, Sarutobi had _told_ him he was going to fail- but he'd been adamant and unrelenting. He would be a part of the first classes he could, and make the old man proud.

So when he trudged up to the Hokage with his first skill reports, the old man had laughed and told him he'd done better than he should have all things considered. The Sandaime had told him how proud he was, and how Naruto's diligence and determination were his best qualities. He'd told him to keep at it- that it was good practice for the fundamental courses that most shinobi children started at eight years instead of six.

That was actually where he'd first met Sasuke. Naruto was dead-last in the accelerated class, and the Uchiha was somewhere in the middle, but they were as sociable as the classes allowed them to be- they knew the other existed, and that was about it. Still, when the other boy was pulled from the class after what happened to his clan, the blonde couldn't help but be sad for him and hope he'd be okay.

Still, that didn't put Naruto off his training or his life- as much of one as he could have, anyway. He still had the ANBU watching out for him, and he still trained in the things he was actually decent with to maintain that proficiency instead of bothering with things he was bad at anyway, but it wasn't a bad life.

The stares and hostility wherever he went were never nice, but that was just part of his life, and he never thought much about it. At least until he joined the normal classes with the normal students and the normal… actually, there really wasn't much of a 'normal' in Konoha as far as shinobi went. 'Normal' got you kicked to the curb, or dropped out of class, or pulled out by your parents when they realize you're being trained as a murder-machine. Normal was average. Average got you dead. That was the unspoken rule in the advanced classes, and it carried over a little to the normal classes. Making friends with the normal kids that were just going to die and drag you through all that grief was stupid.

Which meant most of the class did so.

Not his problem, though. He knew the clan kids knew that. Even if they wanted to ignore it or force themselves to forget it, it was still a fact of shinobi life. People died, and those left behind had to deal with it. That was one of their first lessons in both accelerated and standard classes. It was worded differently in both, but the gist was the same- emotions can drag you down, so you might not want to bother with them. Didn't stop anyone from thinking they were the lucky one it wouldn't happen to though. Everyone thought like that until someone they knew died. Or _they_ were the one to die, but it was rather hard to think anything after that, he'd heard.

He'd had running mates, and opportunistic allies, and pranking partners, but Naruto really didn't have any friends. Even after Sasuke came back in second year of normal classes, they went back to their old standing of knowing the other existed, but only acknowledging the other when absolutely necessary. Most of those acknowledgements were verbal barbs and taunts, but most people just wouldn't get it. That was their way of saying 'You're going to die someday and make me very sad, but I like you anyway.'

At least that's what he _thought_ they both meant. He'd never had a cordial conversation with the Uchiha, let alone a friendly one. For all he knew, he was the only one that thought that way, and Sasuke was just a dick who was being mean to him.

…nah.

At any rate, his life had taken a turn for the shitty about then. Most of his instructors were dicks and didn't bother teaching him anything he didn't already know. He was sure that if he hadn't learned in the advanced courses how to throw a kunai or fight with one, or do anything with sharp objects really, that his instructors for those topics would've been more than happy to see him cut himself on them. Iruka was okay, but he taught history and chakra theory. One was boring and the other was useless, as far as Naruto could care. His Taijutsu actually got _worse_ as time went on, and the instructors for that, Takachi and later Mizuki, gave him lackluster forms to follow and took points off him when he wasn't doing it wrong.

That wasn't all that was bad, though. With all the free time he had now that he wasn't being trained into the ground in accelerated classes, he started pulling pranks. Unfortunately, some people didn't think they were funny. They thought it was the _opposite_ of funny, and that he was attacking them or something. He never did care to find out- too busy running from things being thrown at him, he was.

Of course, then some of the Chunin got caught up in it and sided with the civilians, and then the _sharp_ things started coming at him. They let up after he managed to catch one of the kunai and deflect a shuriken into a poor Chunin's eye, though. He still had no idea how he managed to do that. It was like a reflex he'd never learned. Odd reactions like that happened more often than he'd like to admit when he was handling sharp things. He tried to convince himself he was just that good, but he really wasn't.

Still didn't mean he wasn't going to be Hokage someday, though.

Anyway, after that no one threw anything sharp at him while they were chasing him. He didn't know if that was good or bad, but at least it made it more fun when he led people on those chases around the village.

So now here he was, sitting on the old man's stony mug in the shade and the chill, thinking about the exam tomorrow. He'd failed graduation once at the end of the accelerated courses, but that was no surprise. The hurt was a lot worse when he failed the optional early-graduation test last year. Sad truth was he still wasn't any better with the parts of the exam they failed him for. Maths and word problems were _hard_ under pressure and he'd skipped half of the history classes, so written exams were out. His Taijutsu was mediocre at best, and he wasn't sure his body knew the meaning of the words 'chakra control'. At least he had two of the jutsu down, even if he had to finagle the Henge to take more chakra than it should, and he was above average with all the sharp-and-pointies.

He smirked. He really was good enough to be a Genin. Better than most of his current classmates at the parts that actually _mattered_ like they'd been taught in the accelerated courses. He wondered to himself if he could ask Jiji to let him retake that exam instead of the normal one, if he failed again. He was sure he could pass it now. Then he'd have access to a _teacher_ that actually knew what they were doing, and could help him along where he needed it and would let him in on advanced training methods and all that awesome stuff academy students weren't allowed to know!

It was going to be great.

Now all he needed was to decide whether or not to paint all these old faces before bed. No one would see them in the dark, and his orange jumpsuit would help him blend into the bright sky at his back…

…actually, he saw that the sky was all dark blue now.

He'd spent too much time thinking and not enough time doing, and now he didn't have the time or advantage he needed to get the job done. He chuckled to himself as he stood, and dusted himself off. "Well, I guess there's always next time."

And with that, he was off, running home to sleep before the test in the morning.

He never noticed the figures in the trees behind him, or the way they emerged after he left, looking over the paints and each other. With a nod, they were gone- and so was the paint.

(*)

The next morning, Naruto was up bright and early, even eating something healthier than just stupid cereal. He had no idea why he still kept finding fruit baskets and things around, since it'd been years since the old Hokage had told him he needed to start standing on his own two feet without the ANBU holding his hand every step of the way… but it was better than _not_ finding them around.

He was one of the first there, watching others get in some last minute studying before the exam. He didn't bother though. No use worrying over it or messing up his stride when he wasn't getting any better in a few minutes, so he just sat there grinning and chuckling like a loon at everyone stressing out before the tests even started.

They were led outside right at the start for Taijutsu and weapons testing. After throwing kunai and shuriken at targets both stationary and moving, everyone would fight one of the Taijutsu teachers while the other instructors watched and marked them on their form, power, and skill. Naruto was one of the last to be tested. He had a feeling they planned it that way so that he'd still be riled up for the written portion, but there wasn't anything he could do about it either way. If he complained, they'd probably just fail him for the physical portion of the exam and tell him that he'd got what he wanted by not having to test at all in that part. Stupid teachers…

He didn't do terribly, but when your main mode of fighting hand-to-hand is 'punch them hard and try not to miss' you're never going to do too well. Next came the written portion after a half hour break.

It was just as bad as he'd thought it would be.

How the hell was he supposed to know the velocity difference between a standard issue kunai traveling 25 meters per second, and another kunai of the same make, thrown with the same force, with an extra half a kilogram of drag from an explosive note someone tacked on the end of it?

Why did he need to know the history of the internationally-sanctioned sparring symbol of 'combat' and how it keeps other nations from going to war when their ninja decide to spar and accidentally hurt each other… actually that sounded pretty useful. He really wished he'd thought this was that interesting before he skipped that class, not knowing what they were going to talk about that day…

GAH! More math! Converting the explosive force of a standard exploding note to the explosive force of a demolitions charge to see how many you'd need to blow a rockslide clear? It didn't matter if they gave the force for the damn TNT, he was already too frustrated to think that one through…

At what point in the third great shinobi war did the Yondaime decisively force Kumo to retreat back to their original borders before beginning treaty negotiations… hey, he actually knew that one.

He couldn't say the test went well. Far from it, he'd be surprised if he wasn't the lowest score… but at least he managed a few questions, and that was better than nothing. Next up was the Ninjutsu test.

They had the written portion in the middle to give the students some down-time between the more physical tests, but Naruto thought it was stupid. He wasn't quite sure why, but maybe he was biased because his worst subject came right before his swing subject. He didn't need the added stress of having just bombed his written test while trying to make a Bunshin… it was just stupid.

He managed the Kawarimi and Henge just fine, but didn't have any self-taught techniques to supplement his grade before those to make it a three-out-of-four grade instead of a three-out-of-three requirement that they usually kept for a passing Ninjutsu grade. No one was going to teach _him_ an extra technique to pass with, so he was stuck with his grade hinging on his worst technique.

So of course, he failed.

The half-dozen half-dead looking clones were almost brilliant in their variety and complexity of instability and error, but they don't give points for how amazingly bad you can perform a move.

"I'm sorry, Naruto." Iruka said solemnly. "We could brush up your Taijutsu score with how well you fight with Kunai instead of unarmed, but with only two passing grades out of four… we just can't pass you."

"Hey now, Iruka… surely we can let the kid go on grit alone? He _did_ manage two of the three Academy-level Ninjutsu." Mizuki, the second opinion for Naruto's grade, asked cheerfully. Naruto already knew the answer, though.

"The rules are very clear, Mizuki." The scarred teacher replied. "Sixty-six percent is still a failing grade, and two out of four tests passed just isn't good enough, especially considering his Taijutsu pass was already lenient."

Mizuki looked a bit sheepish at that. "I suppose you're right."

"I'm sorry Naruto. I'm sure you'll have better luck next year." Iruka said as he looked at Naruto. He sincerely seemed to want the boy to do well, and that helped soften the blow, but it was still three fails.

He nodded to his arguably favorite teacher, and walked out of the room solemn and silent.

(*)

He watched from the swing as the other students met their parents, the adults either cheering their success, or encouraging them for next time. He knew that not everyone was happy, and that not everyone was cheerful about their grade… but it was hard to see the world wasn't perfect for everyone but him when the glaring majority he could see from his creaky old swing were.

At least he wasn't crying this time.

Still, he was shocked out of his stupor by Mizuki approaching. The man had a stiff smile on his face, but looked jovial enough. "Hey," he greeted. "What's got you so down?"

Naruto just looked out over the happy, now dispersing crowd.

"Ahh…" Mizuki muttered to himself. "I see. Well, we can't all be that lucky. My folks are gone now, and Iruka lost his when he was just a kid about your age."

The boy couldn't help but look up at his teacher then, somewhat shocked by the admission. "Really?"

The silver-haired man squatted down to meet Naruto eye-to-eye, balancing on the balls of his feet and wrapping his arms around his knees in a way that made him seem young and approachable to students Naruto's age. Part of why he got the job- he was rather amicable and good with kids.

"Really, Naruto." He answered. "You know, there's a make-up you could do. A little bit of last-minute extra credit… If you can learn a fourth Ninjutsu from a special scroll, we can count that to your test score and pass you."

The blonde's eyes widened brightly. "Really!?"

The man smiled so wide his eyes closed. "Really. It has to be from _that_ scroll though. Or else we won't be able to count it. Part of the test is getting it yourself, too." Here he became a bit more serious. "You have to sneak into the Hokage's offices, and get the scroll marked as the 'Scroll of Sealing'. Don't worry, he's in on the test, but he'll still try to stop you as one of the obstacles. This is a live-fire mock search-and-retrieval mission. And once you get the scroll, meet me here…" He pressed a small folded map into Naruto's hands. "…and while you're there, you can practice one of the techniques and if you manage to learn one before sun-up, you'll pass. Got it?"

The boy nodded fervently.

"Good. Now Naruto, this is a real mock mission, so you'll need to memorize that map and burn it before you start after the scroll, got that?"

Naruto froze at the serious tone and face his teacher was directing at him, but he nodded again and replied. "Yes."

"Good boy." Mizuki said, patting Naruto's shoulder. "I'll be waiting for you there after midnight. Don't get caught!" The teacher added cheerfully, before hopping up onto his feet and waltzing away.

He couldn't help but think it was weird, but at least he wouldn't have to wait a while before taking the test again, or bother trying to convincing the Hokage to let him take a different test.

(*)

"Come on," He said out loud to himself as he made his way through the forest. "I know the old man's in on the test, but really, he's hamming it up if he wants me to think _that_ would take him out."

His Oiroke no Jutsu was successful. Far more so than he had assumed it would be. Really he just wanted to shock the old man into giving him a second or two to run the hell away or Kawarimi or something… Oh well, it didn't matter.

It was surprisingly simple after he got out of the building. He stuck the large scroll in an equally large cardboard box and just… walked away. It wasn't anything odd, him being out this late, or even him carrying stuff around this late. Maybe he forgot to restock on Kunai again and bought some down at that bulk shop that stays open ridiculously late? Maybe he was carrying around more pranking supplies, and no one wanted to get in his way and wind up the target of whatever he was cooking up? No one would bother to check as long as he looked natural.

Pretty much the entire trick to stealing something is looking like you hadn't. Just because he got caught swiping things now and again didn't mean nearly as much when you take into account how often he _didn't_ get caught. He had this done as long as he just kept walking at a brisk, but natural, pace. Don't bother looking at people, you'll just wind up looking guilty. He and the villagers ignored each other pretty pointedly anyway. Not like him doing so now would be any change.

So yeah… stealing one of the village's most prized possessions was actually surprisingly easy for him.

Not that he knew how precious it was.

It really didn't matter.

He made it to where he was supposed to wait with an hour to spare. So he grabbed the scroll out of the box, tossed the empty container aside, and found a spot on the ground that happened to be both flat and dry to unroll the thing.

The first thing he saw made him cringe a bit.

"Kage Bunshin?" He read the rest of the text. Then he glanced at the next one down the list. Apparently they just listed techniques here, without any descriptions or details. Probably saved a lot of space on the thing, since even with most of the information about a technique- the description and uses- gone, it wasn't nearly big enough to have every technique ever in it. It was probably pretty efficient too, if you already knew what you were looking for, and what the techniques did.

Still, he unrolled it a bit further and didn't find anything else he could guess the use for by the name. Aside from killing people, of course… but it was nice to know if something was going to blow up in your face before you try it.

"Pretty straightforward that one… Kage Bunshin. Shadow Clone. Make a clone out of shadow. Makes sense." He muttered to himself. Naruto decided this was what he was going to start with. He couldn't help the smirk that crept onto his face. It didn't hurt that he also enjoyed the irony of passing the test with a different version of his worst technique.

"Sooo… Ne, Hebi, Tora…" He continued under his breath. The handseals for the Kage Bunshin, Rat-Snake-Tiger, were almost identical to the Ram-Snake-Tiger of the standard Bunshin no Jutsu. If they did similar things though, that would make sense. So with the amended seals, he did the same thing the class was told to do for the Bunshin- call the chakra, in his case as little as he could manage, and flow it through the signs as he made them, before pushing it outward and shaping it to look vaguely like a person…

_Paf_.

He was suddenly staring at himself.

…it was actually much freakier than he thought it'd be.

That didn't matter too much though after his brain clicked onto the fact that he'd _actually managed a clone_. He practiced the technique until he had the three seals memorized fairly well… and then… "Well, you know what they say, can't say you've mastered a technique unless you can do it with one handseal or less." Hell, his Oiroke no Jutsu and Kawarimi were both down to one handseal, too. He really needed to work on making his Kawarimi seal-less… but that was the hardest step in 'mastering' a technique. So difficult that 'mastery' was considered 'one seal or less' to nurse the ego of every Chunin or Jounin who couldn't manage to remove seals entirely. On top of that, it was almost unheard of for someone to manage a seal-less elemental technique. Something about chakra natures… he hadn't really been listening for that lesson, since it was about chakra and he already knew his chakra control was the shittiest of anyone to ever set foot in the academy building.

…even the civilian janitor.

_That_ one stung a bit.

Getting back to how awesome he was now, _he'd made a clone_! An actual, real, looks-like-him-and-everything Bunshin!

"Hey boss!" One of the clones called from behind him. He hadn't been dispelling them in his practices, so they'd been piling up in the clearing for a while. He looked back to see the one that had called out to him… poking another Bunshin?

Now that wasn't right.

Standard Bunshin can't do that.

They were constructs made of chakra just barely dense enough to block out light and throw a shadow just like the original. They looked just like the original, but they couldn't touch anything- _including each other _- without passing straight through or destabilizing. Not only that, but other than exactly mimicking how the user looked when they were made, they couldn't sweat or bleed or talk or…

…wait a second. His clone just talked.

That was also impossible. Then again, he seemed to be doing the impossible a lot today, so he just chalked it up to this being the Kage Bunshin instead of the Normal Bunshin.

"So you guys can actually _do_ stuff? That's _awesome_!" The original called back to the clone. "You guys figure out what other cool stuff you can do, I'mma keep practicing!"

And practice he did… so much so that now he was doing it with just two handseals, having cut the middle Snake seal out of the equation entirely. He couldn't seem do manage it with just the rat or tiger seals, though. After another ten minutes, an eternity to a guy like him, he shouted his frustration to the sky.

"Dammit, why can't I just use _both seals at once_!?"

He blinked.

Maybe he _could_?

Other people had special seals for techniques. That blonde girl Sakura was always fighting with… Ino, yeah that's what her name is… She had that mind-swappy thing she did and that wasn't one of the twelve basic seals…

And you could reverse seals, too. That's what he did for his Oiroke no Jutsu. The Reverse Ram worked perfectly for that… sooo… Why couldn't he change seals?

He held his left hand in the position for 'Tiger' and his left in the… _god dammit _that was just a normal Rat handseal when he combined them that way! He fumbled about with that for a few moments before he tried a modified rat seal and…

…half-dead clone looking like his normal Bunshin used to. Well, shit.

That was even worse for his morale than the clones around him killing themselves and each other trying to figure out if there was anything else special about them besides apparently being 'solid'.

So, he tried it the other way. He held his left hand out in the half 'Rat' sign, with his hand balled into a fist except for his extended middle and index fingers. Putting up his right hand into a half 'Tiger' sign, it was the same. Hand clenched except for those two fingers. He scowled to himself.

Pressing them together into a mockery of a Bird seal didn't work. Lacing the fingers together just made a Tiger seal, but he laced them different ways just in case… and nothing. Another way just made it a Ram or Reversed Ram, and he tried both of those to no end.

With a scowl and a sigh, he glared at the two outstretched hands, before moving them together, tilting his left hand, and crossing it over his right, fitting the balled fingers of his left hand into the cup of his right hand's curled digits. He focused chakra through the seal, shaped it, and…

_Paf_.

The sweet sound of unmitigated awesome.

He grinned up at his new clone that he made with his new handseal. It grinned back, and they both cheered. Naruto made the handsign again and another half-dozen clones popped into existence.

"Let's practice this thing!" He cheered, before he and his clones all made the handsign and suddenly it was getting a bit too crowded in the clearing. "You guys can use Ninjutsu too!? That's _fucking awesome_!"

So they made more clones, and the clones fought each other, and the original Naruto wound up in the skuffle too, but that was fine. As he roughhoused around with these boys who were pretty much him, he wondered if this was what having real friends was like.

Wait… did this mean he was playing with himself?

He wound up with a knee in his groin after that thought stalled his brain and caused him to stumble.

Yeeeaaaah, this just stopped being fun. So he tore into clones with fist and blade, despite their cries that knives were 'no fair', and after half a minute of that when his rage and pain had ebbed away, he shouted at all of them to dispel, so they did.

Well, he may have worded it more like 'get the fuck out of here' with a few more lines of expletive, but that's just arguing semantics.

So he took a break before he started practicing again. That's when Iruka showed up, all piss and vinegar, yelling about how he'd found the boy. The man really should learn to watch his blood pressure, but at his age maybe it didn't matter so much. He'd mention it later after the guy's face stopped being so puce-colored.

"Hey, Iruka-sensei. What're you doing here? Did they send you instead of Mizuki?" Naruto asked, scratching his neck. He really did look like shit, didn't he? All scuffed and dirty with a bunch of marks from that Bunshin brawl earlier… Not exactly the state he'd want to be in for his graduation, but he'd take what he could get.

"What're you talking about Naruto? You shouldn't be out here! They're saying you stole the Scroll of Sealing and I can see it right there behind you! Why did you do it?" The man honestly seemed… pretty upset about all this. Geez, if Naruto didn't know better he'd think this wasn't all just part of the test… but his favorite teacher looking like the guy might break down if he said the wrong thing? That was just harsh, even for a ninja test.

"I'm just out here waiting, like I was told to. Hey! I mastered one of the jutsu! Does that mean I can graduate now?" Iruka was still a teacher, and he should be in on it, which means maybe he could pass him and get this over with?

"Mastered a… Naruto, what does that have to do with anything? You stole a priceless treasure of the village. The shinobi are out for your blood- what have you done?" Iruka was pleading with him now.

This… really didn't seem like it was a test anymore.

Hoo boy. Naruto's face started falling from its chipper grin, a horrified look molding itself onto his features. Before he could start trying to explain himself however, another voice called out from the trees.

"So you actually managed to do it? You actually got the scroll! That's pretty impressive." It was Mizuki. Smug bastard grinning like he just got invited to a hot kunoichi threesome. It was actually incredibly creepy, the way he was smiling down at them then.

Iruka was on one of the lowest branches, far below the other teacher's perch. He called up to the other man then. "Mizuki, what's going on here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" That damn near lecherous grin grew wider. "I'm the one who organized this little 'test', and the demon brat passed with flying colors!"

Iruka's eyes widened. "Mizuki, you can't say that! You can't talk like that, especially now!" Not in front of Naruto.

"It doesn't matter anymore!" The man hopped a little lower. "After tonight that stupid law won't matter at all. Do you know why? …Because that damned demon isn't leaving this clearing alive!" Both of them were shocked by this, but more than shocked, Naruto was confused. "But before then, do you want me to tell you, brat? Why everyone looks at you with those hateful eyes… why you're so despised? Don't you want to know the secret that _everyone but you knows_?"

"Mizuki, don't!" But it was too late.

"Don't you know? Haven't you ever figured it out? _You_ are the demon they whisper about. _You _are the monster everyone hates and fears… The beast that attacked the village twelve years ago… The very same one that killed Iruka's parents!" He was really getting into this. His near-screeching voice was almost trilling, he was so excited and overjoyed. Even if the damned demon didn't know what it was, he'd be the one to shatter its pathetic sense of human self. "_You_ are the Kyuubi no Yoko!"

Iruka was too stunned an horrified to act, but Naruto…

It did make sense. If he was the fox, then…

It explained why everyone hated him.

It explained why no one would play with him.

It explained why he didn't have any friends…

It explained why he didn't have any family…

He was broken out of his stupor by Mizuki landing flat on his face on the ground after he'd gotten punted off the branch by an orange-wearing blonde.

"Shut the fuck up, Boss ain't no monster!" The clone yelled.

The original tilted his head. This was very odd. Apparently his clone, the copy of him, was trying to cheer him up by yelling at Mizuki about how wrong he was? Huh. The psychoanalytical ramifications of this…

…hurt Naruto's brain, so he stopped worrying about it.

"Naruto? Two Narutos? Then… What's going on?" Iruka asked , looking between them.

"Huh?" The original grunted, and blinked, focusing back on Iruka. "Oh, I was practicing with my Kage Bunshin when you showed up. There's a few more out there, too. We were going to start seeing how smart they were and if they could work together, all separated like that." Tactics and team synchronization. Why does the smart thing to say always pop into your head the second you're done spouting off the stupid way to say it?

"But… Bunshin… _Kage_ Bunshin?" Iruka knew of the technique. Everyone in Konoha who was Chunin rank or higher could recognize it fairly easily… still, even if that's what it looked like, it was hard to believe. Did Naruto actually know that technique, forbidden to learn until Jounin rank or the Hokage himself gave you his blessing to do so?

"You'll pay for this… _disgrace_, brat…" Mizuki's words, almost slurred as they escaped Mizuki's bruised and battered form, broke all trains of thought as he pushed his way shakily to his feet. "I'll kill you, and I'll kill Iruka, and I'll kill everyone in my way…" The mad glint in his eye stared down both Naruto and Iruka, even as the man dodged to the side as the clone's kunai whizzed where he was standing before.

Another two clones broke out of the trees to keep the first keep the Chunin occupied while their original got his head together.

"Naruto, are you okay?" Iruka asked, placing his hands on the boy's shoulders.

"Yeah, I'm fine Sensei…" He said the words, but they both knew he was lying.

"Listen to me, Naruto…" Iruka's tone lowered and grew serious, but not severe. "Don't listen to Mizuki. You are _not _a monster. Mizuki is now a traitor to Konoha, which means this place is dangerous. You need to get out of here."

_That_ shook Naruto out of his daze. "No! I can help!"

The man shook his head. "No, Naruto. You need to leave. Take the scroll and get back to the village. We have to keep it away from Mizuki."

Before either of them could say anything else, another clone dropped down by the scroll and scooped it up. "I can take care of that." It said, before it jumped away, back towards the village.

"I can help." Naruto said again. This time there was a fire in his eyes. A determination that wouldn't sit idle. He was going to stay, and he was going to help.

Iruka sighed, but nodded. "Keep back, then. Ranged support."

Naruto groaned, but nodded. They both turned just as Mizuki was finishing the last of the clones that had been hidden in the forest. No more surprise reinforcements laid in waiting… the man turned back to them, blood and rage in his eyes as he roared and charged them.

Iruka ran to meet the man while Naruto leapt back and formed his hands into a now-familiar seal. His seal. With a great many 'poof's, Iruka was no longer lacking in support of any kind, ranged or otherwise.

Dozens of the blonde stood around the Chunin pair as they dueled, sometimes throwing kunai or shuriken, other times diving in to throw a punch or a kick, or slash with a kunai. Needless to say, they were wearing the traitor down fairly easily. Iruka had a few nicks, it was true, but in all it was a landslide victory as he trussed up his former colleague in ninja wire while another clone came in to run melee interference. He had to admit, for a bunch of brawlers, these clones were pretty damned good backup.

"You won't… You can't do this!" Mizuki rasped out. He was battered and bleeding, worn to the point of exhaustion.

"You've become a traitor, Mizuki." Iruka replied. "You must face the village's judgement."

The bound man spat upon the ground, a mass of wet and red. "You're helping him? Siding with the _demon_?"

The man standing over him narrowed his eyes. "He is _not_ the demon." And with that, he cracked his former friend over the head with the blunt end of a kunai. Seeing the man lay unmoving before him, his shoulders sagged, his body grew weary, and he sighed.

"Iruka-sensei…" Naruto started, quietly. He held his hand out to the man who turned toward him, but then he lowered it, unable to finish what he's begun to say.

The man swallowed the lump in his throat, and smiled. "You did very well, Naruto. …Incredible, really. This technique, and how well you used it…" He gestured around to the handful of clones still standing in the trees around them. "…You're my most unpredictable student."

Naruto smiled at that, before he rand forward and hugged his teacher. He murmured into the Chunin's vest, and the man put his hand on the boy's head to muss his hair.

After they parted, Iruka smiled again. "I think we need to go see the Hokage about tonight. He needs to be updated on the situation with the scroll, and the traitor…" He paused and smirked. "…and about a young boy who just passed his Ninjutsu test."

Naruto couldn't help but whoop and cheer, jumping around in his glee. Even the clones were being rambunctious about it, cheering and singing as they jumped and danced and a few slipped and fell because they weren't watching where they stepped.

But that was okay. The rest of the clones grabbed Mizuki after they calmed down to haul him with them as Naruto and Iruka led the way back to the village. Despite everything, today was a good day. He learned an awesome new technique, apparently passed the test and was going to be made a genin, and pounded the smug grin off that bastard Mizuki.

Everything was going to be awesome, because if there was one thing he knew, it was that Chouji's dad was _mean_.

…wait, _what?_

(*)

The Hokage stood before the group of shinobi in his office, as the head of one of the village's esteemed clans held forward the Scroll of Sealing.

"We recovered the scroll," Chouza's deep voice rumbled out. "But we couldn't find Uzumaki. The scroll was being carried by what appeared to be a clone."

It went unsaid what had happened to the clone.

"I see." The Hokage said as the large man held out his hand, which almost reached around the large scroll, and set the item in the arms of his leader. "We will halt the search for the moment. Appraise all teams that Naruto is not to be harmed, and that he is to be escorted to me at once when found. We will begin the search again once all the teams have been informed of the updated orders."

He's a good boy, and you're all out for his blood.

He never deserved this… to be cast the traitorous criminal and summarily cast aside.

The priority was to return the scroll, but somewhere along the line, whispers and rumors spread and along came the news that the one who had the scroll was Naruto… and should something happen to the poor boy while recovering what he'd taken, well…

It'd be no skin off their backs, they thought.

The old man's priority now was Naruto. He had to stop the search and assert control over the situation as quickly as possible, and-

"Hokage-sama!" One of the Chunin attending the offices while they were staffed at alert had barged into the room, breathing heavily. "Uzumaki Naruto! He's been found! Umino Iruka found him, and he's bringing him here, sir!"

Once the man regained his breath, he remembered his propriety and saluted his commander.

Said commander waived away the formalities even as he smiled. Iruka was a good boy, and he liked Naruto. Everything was going to be fine. "See they are brought here unimpeded, if you would."

"Sir!" The Chunin barked, but then stiffened as if just remembering something. "But sir, also… They have another Chunin with them. Bound and badly injured. Clones… copies of the- erm, of Uzumaki are carrying him here as well, sir."

The Hokage's eyes narrowed. So that was it, then? He always hated when his soldiers went sour, but that was just a fact of shinobi life. Everyone was the enemy. _Everyone_.

…by the gods, he was too damn old for this.

"Good. Do tell Naruto that he's done a good job with his mission, will you? Luring out traitors is such dangerous and difficult work, after all." The entire room blinked at that, but accepted it as fact.

This, too, was shinobi life.

"Ah… Y-yes, sir." The Chunin saluted again, and left along with several other members of the room to rendezvous with the boy and his teacher, and carry out their leader's word.

A Kage does not lie. He changes the truth of his village and its people.

This, too, was shinobi life.

…too _damned_ old for this.

(*)

Naruto and Iruka had a harrowing, if easy time of their travel back to the administrative building. Nearly everyone they met was hostile, but those who moved to obstruct them were quickly allayed by a few words from Iruka. The Hokage would deal with this.

Mention of the old man usually got anyone to back off pretty quickly. Some followed behind at a distance. A rare few ran ahead. It was not a bad walk.

When they were almost there, a group of shinobi met them, and told them they were to meet with the Hokage. Iruka chuckled and said that was the plan all along. One of them said some odd, if nice things to Naruto. Their trip after that was uneventful.

"Ahh, Naruto-kun, Iruka-kun… it is good to see you both." The Hokage said somewhat jovially. When they arrived, the others in the room besides the Hokage all left… some less happy to go than others.

The old man's eyes settled on Mizuki, taking in the clones at his periphery that dispelled after setting the man down just behind the pair they'd followed in. Odd, that… Naruto must have learned that technique from the scroll, and was already using it to great effect.

"Well, then… report." Their leader ordered.

Iruka snapped to attention. "Mizuki tricked Naruto into stealing the scroll. He intended to kill Naruto and take the scroll, to what end I do not know." He wasn't going to stay in the village. He was going to run, and take the scroll, and turn traitor. It didn't need to be said.

"I see… Naruto-kun?" He asked, turning to the boy.

Naruto fidgeted a bit. It was still weird seeing the old man as his boss… "I… failed again." He finally choked out. "The exam. Mizuki-sen… said that I could make up part of my grade and pass if I could steal the scroll and learn a Ninjutsu from it."

The Hokage nodded, knowing there was more. "Go on…"

The boy grew somewhat somber then. "Until Iruka-sensei… until just before we started fighting Mizuki, I thought everyone was just in on the test, and playing along. I guess not, huh?" He shared a wry smile with the old man before he continued. "But I did it. I learned the Kage Bunshin. See?"

Naruto held up his arms and performed the Ninjutsu in question, half a dozen clones appearing interspersed through the room around them. The Hokage's eyes widened, but not for the reason Naruto thought. "That sign… How did you…?" He already knew, but he didn't want to believe it.

"Oh, that? There were too many signs, so I shortened it." The boy said with a shrug.

The old Kage couldn't help it. He laughed. Long and deep, he laughed. It was almost a minute before it petered out, but more than long enough for the others in the room to start feeling awkward.

"My apologies, you amazingly unpredictable boy…" He started after the laughing had ceased. "Are you telling me that you reinvented a handsign that took renowned Jounin years to perfect… in less than an hour?"

No one questioned how the Hokage had known it had taken him that long without prior mention of it. Every shinobi in Konoha knows that you don't ask Sarutobi Hiruzen how he knows everything- you just assume he does.

"Ehh… I guess so?" The blonde answered sheepishly.

The old man smiled. It hadn't taken that long to invent that specific shortcut sign, he knew… but it _had_ taken the founders of Konoha years to confirm that it was indeed the most efficient single handseal with which to use the Kage Bunshin no Jutsu. Amazing… the boy was truly amazing.

With another chuckle, the Hokage nodded. "Then I suppose this would affect an amendment of your graduation ranking…"

The boy smiled wide, and the world was right. Sarutobi nodded, even as the boy's inevitable outburst washed over him. Such an excitable boy he still was… The old man walked over to one of the cabinets at the side of his office, and retrieved a small object from one of the drawers. He returned to stand before the boy, holding out the rectangular bundle. It was black cloth wrapped in upon itself, and weighed more than its size would imply as the boy took it. When he unwrapped it, he found a plate of metal fixed upon the cloth. Shiny and grey, engraved with the symbol of the leaf village.

"Congratulations, Genin Uzumaki."

The boy surged forward at the old man's words, and wrapped his arms around his surrogate grandfather. Tears of vindication and joy soaked into the robes of his office, but all he did was smile and comfort the boy, smoothing down his unruly hair.

None of them cared to notice that Mizuki was no longer in the room, either because they hadn't noticed his removal, or because they knew that nothing happened in this office without the Hokage's approval.

ANBU were sneaky like that.

Iruka nodded and left. His job was done for now.

When the boy was finally done, he stepped away and wiped his face down with his still-filthy sleeve, and smiled.

The old man returned the smile, and nodded. "Well then, before you head home for a well-deserved rest, is there anything else I can do for tonight's young hero?"

He really hadn't thought much would come of that, besides the boy perhaps asking for his hat and job early, or ask about his parents whom he knew the Hokage knew of. After all, The Professor knew everything worth knowing in Konoha. Perhaps the boy would ask of the Kyuubi residing within him… but Naruto was always full of surprises. With a smirk, the boy answered.

"Yeah, Jii-chan. I want a new coat… and a sword."

* * *

So yeah. While I was writing this apparently a chapter came out in the manga that says the Sarutobi have been a clan since like, for-fucking-ever. Since I generally toss out everything that happened after the chapter where they rescued Gaara from Akatsuki, I'm just going to say… nah.

So, I'm working under the assumption that the family of any Hokage is immediately raised to 'clan' status, regardless of how small they are. The Sarutobi aren't an old or powerful clan in this, but they are the family of the Hokage, and therefore something akin to nobility in Konoha. Thus a minor clan.

The sources I looked up can't definitively agree whether the Hokage mountain is to the north or west of the village, but it's always one of those two. So I'm going to go with west for the sake of a scene. I also can't find any images of Sarutobi's office back when he was the Hokage and I'm not digging through the manga to find it. So let's just rightly assume that as the author, I have the right to redecorate a little.

Before anyone gets on my case about how a 'D' grade is just fine- it isn't. In the real world, college-level, a D is just a less-bad failing grade than an F. And in fields where lives are on the line like engineering, physics and medical fields, 'almost perfect' is still more than enough to kill people. A 70% C is laughably bad in that case, while it's a low pass in other fields.

I know I'm just using the American system for grading in those examples, but that's what I'm familiar with, and I hope I didn't muss up the chapter too much with it. I tried to keep an actual grading method other than percentiles out of it.

I'm just going to say that Sasuke didn't take the early test because he was still catching up from having missed the first year due to his trauma therapy. Winding up first after coming in late is no mean feat, though.

Bluh bluh.

ANYWAY.

Pairings are as of yet undecided, however, I could make it work with any girl in the series Hana's age or younger. I didn't watch the filler arcs in the anime, so they're out by default. If you send me a PM or leave a review with a girl in mind and the reason she'd be an awesome fit for this incarnation of Naruto, I might put up a poll with the best ones later to decide which one I'll go with. Or hell, I might just go with the best one you guys come up with. Then again, I might just decide that the author knows best and decide I like a girl for this Naruto that I want to write him with, disregarding all those suggestions. At the moment though, I'm pretty neutral to all of them.


	2. Freudian Swordfights

Freudian swordfights are incredibly phallic, dontchaknow.

I see a lot of people either irritated with how slow the fic is moving, or how little it's diverged from canon. I was trying to show how much differently Naruto thought in this as compared to canon, but it'll be much more apparent in this chapter, since you'll be able to see him acting differently instead of just thinking differently.

Also, I've always loved the thought that Naruto came up with the Kage Bunshin seal himself, because really if it was just one seal, every village would have it and it wouldn't be anything special.

So here's chapter 2.

* * *

Naruto really liked his new coat. It was custom-made for him by one of Jiji's suppliers. The same people he goes to for replacing his robes of office when they wear down. That _alone_ made the damn thing pretty awesome. But as he walked along with the thick overcoat trailing along at his ankles and its sleeves rustling around his wrists, he felt _incredibly _badass.

The old man had it modeled after the Yondaime's old coat, but thicker to better protect an up-and-coming genin where a Kage as quick as the fourth wouldn't really need any armor at all.

It was black leather, probably the biggest change from the original Namikaze design. Red flame patterns licked a few inches up from the bottom hem, and instead of any kanji on the back, had a large red swirl the old man had insisted on. Naruto had no idea why, but he had to admit he kinda' liked it- plus the same design had been on his old jacket, and it was on all the official Konoha shinobi jackets. Maybe that's why the old man insisted?

It _did_ make him feel rather official.

It did also have some belt loops and came with a belt, but he didn't use either for anything. What he _did_ use were all of the pockets. _So goddamn many pockets_. He could barely believe it. Hidden ones in the sleeve for Kunai, big ones on the inside to put things, a few scroll pouches for sealed supplies, even a couple normal ones on the outside that he could stick his hands in to look _more_ badass!

The fact that it was also lined with meshed ringmail armor was a plus, too.

Anything that could punch through the leather of the jacket would probably be stopped by the armor. It'd take quite a bit of piercing power, or an insane amount of slashing force to get through both. It was even big enough that he wouldn't have to worry about growing out of it for years! …though it was a little loose now. It wasn't debilitating though. He could still fight in it. Still, if he was going to have something this awesome, he didn't want to need a new one in less than a year.

He shook his head to derail himself from his mental ramblings, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck and nudging it against the sword strapped under the coat. That got him to grin again. It wasn't anything fancy- just a standard issue ANBU straightedge the old man had requisitioned for him. He couldn't really blame the old man for going the easy route with that one. He _had_ asked for two things when the Hokage had obviously been hinting at only one gift. Still, it was a good sword and he'd spent the rest of the week before team placements practicing with it. It was shorter than most swords, but ninjas were speed fighters, not samurai. Shorter blades suited them. Regardless, it was nearly a full longsword to his twelve-year-old frame. Two feet of sword and another foot of handle was a lot when you weren't even five feet tall yourself, and even then he was rounding up a little.

Still, it was a good sword.

Quite a bit of his training with it had been watching his Kage Bunshin fight just to see how bad he was with it, and that went surprisingly well. As he made clones and they wound up killing each other so he could see where all his openings were, he wound up getting into the fights so much that it was almost like _he_ was the one fighting. That'd been a weird feeling.

Anyway, in the end he managed to get about as well off with it as he could by himself. Passable for a Genin, but Chunin didn't carry tools they weren't proficient with. He'd have to get a lot better with it before he got promoted or he'd have to stop wearing it around until he _did_ get proficient with it.

Ehh, he was getting caught up in his head too much again. He grinned as he started up into the Academy building for the team assignments. He'd been close to late on purpose today so he could see all their faces when they caught sight of his new duds.

He was _not_ disappointed.

Everyone was staring in shock at his coat and sword, the harness for said sword also a black leather and barely visible against his black shirt with a red Konoha leaf symbol on it. His orange-striped black pants clashed a bit with his black and red motif, but he just couldn't give it up entirely. He was pretty sure most of them were too busy looking at his clothes to even notice the black-clothed headband on his forehead and keeping his hair out of his eyes.

He grinned and waved cheekily. "Yo." Most people still seemed shocked or dazed …or uncaring, or asleep. Tough crowd, this one… so he went to sit by one of the only people who seemed to not give any fucks about his change in clothing- one Uchiha Sasuke.

He plopped down into the seat and repeated the same greeting he'd given the class, which got him a grunt of acknowledgement and a small nod which might've been his imagination.

The room wound up boisterous again when a pair of girls came charging through the door, Ino and Sakura. Both of them arguing and scuffling about as they tried to be the first into the room.

"You see what you did? I was almost late!"

"Me!? _You_ were the one who stopped me on my way here and almost made _me_ late!"

Naruto groaned a little. They were always like this. Always finding something to fight or argue over. It was terribly annoying, but you got used to it in this class. By the time they'd seemingly finished their argument to storm over to him and Sasuke, it was almost time for class to start.

"Hey, you- …Naruto?" Sakura started when she got closer. He'd managed to keep his face fairly stoic as she approached, and she'd apparently only noticed how much he'd changed his look when she was right up next to him. Ino stood beside her, scowling a bit, but her eyes were still running up and down the blonde boy as if assessing him.

"Yo, Sakura." Naruto said, his voice somewhat low and seemingly uncaring. "Go out with me."

It took a moment for his words to sink in, and her cheeks pinked a bit as her mind caught up to what he'd said, but in the end she just wound up yelling at him again. "You idiot, you think I'd go out with you just because you started acting more like Sasuke? Such a wannabe loser!"

Naruto couldn't help but crack up after that. "Haha, you saw right through me. I'm just no good at that monotone of his." He glanced over at the Uchiha in question. His face looked perturbed, but Naruto was sure he was amused. "I bet you'd go out with me if Sasuke told you to, though. Hey, tell her she should go out with me!" The blonde added, pointing back at the girls while he stared down the Uchiha.

Now he could see the emotions warring on his rival's face. Would he give in to Naruto's request, and see if that would get one of the more obsessive fangirls to finally leave him be, or would he decline just to spite his rival?

In the end, his Uchiha pride demanded he not bow to any sort of demands, and he shook his head, looking away from the other boy. "No way. Do it yourself."

"Daaaaamn!" Was Naruto's overdramatic response, clutching his chest like he'd been stuck with a senbon. "So cold and uncaring, he won't even leave any girls for the rest of us!"

That wasn't entirely true, but it might as well have been. Most of the kunoichi in the class were Sasuke fangirls. Most of them were mediocre and wouldn't survive long in the field, though. The few that weren't fangirls usually pretended to be just to fit in, but most of them also fit into the 'probably going to die' category anyway. He knew the Hyuuga girl in the back of the class wasn't interested in Sasuke, but she was terribly shy. Normal meant you'd go out on a mission and not come back. Shy meant you'd probably die slowly when you did.

She wasn't a bad girl, but she wasn't really cut out for shinobi life, he thought.

Still, this wasn't a time for such morose thoughts. Today was for team selections, so Naruto plopped right back down in the seat he knew Sakura and Ino would toss him out of anyway. When the blushing girls realized he hadn't vacated his spot, they did just that, both of them taking one of the seats on either side of the Uchiha.

Such was his life. Meh, it wasn't worth worrying about. He got himself back up, stretched the kinks out, and went to go sit by Shino. The guy was a bit of a nerd, but he was also pretty cool. Shinobi were weird like that. It was much, much better than average.

"Every time." The blonde muttered.

"Perhaps if you chose not to provoke them, or chose another female to pursue, their reactions to your advances may be more favorable." The stoic boy said from behind his coat.

Naruto shook his head. "You know I can't do that. The heart wants what the heart wants, even if she's a bit of a bitch."

Shino could only shrug.

They both knew Naruto had to get over his crush on Sakura, but neither had any idea how to do that. Maybe getting himself sorted onto a team where he'd finally get away from seeing her nearly every day would fix it. Who knew, the girl on his team could be someone cute and nice and datable and totally into blonde hunks. The blonde in question nodded to himself. That would be awesome.

He was broken from his musings by Iruka coming in and giving a speech about how proud he was of them, and how they were ninja now and something about duty and Naruto stopped listening after that. Iruka could spin a story like nobody's business but the man was terrible at keeping someone interested through speeches and lectures.

His ears perked up a bit when the team listings started, but he didn't hear his name yet, so he didn't really care. But then he did hear something he was interested in.

"Team Seven will be Haruno Sakura, Uzumaki Naruto, and Uchiha Sasuke. Your Jounin Sensei is Hatake Kakashi."

Well, fuck. There goes getting away from the pink bitch and finding a new girl to like… along with any hope of winning over Sakura by being on a team with her but not Sasuke. FUCK! Was the Uchiha bastard the _only_ good thing about his team placement? He was a skilled and versatile fighter, and could probably kick ass teamed up with Naruto if he wanted to. Sakura… was just a mediocre bitch who he happened to have a massive crush on. Shino had once gone on a ramble about how Sakura was mostly likely similar to Naruto's mother and genetically dissimilar from himself, which his body had taken as 'two out of three ain't bad, let's fuck her'.

He sighed. Never any breaks for him, he supposed.

After another short speech by Iruka, which Naruto blanked out after 'Your sensei will be by soon to pick up their teams' the man left, letting a few of said sensei into the room to take about half the class with them as they left themselves. The rest of the sensei came by over the next half hour, until it was just Team Seven left waiting.

An hour after _that_, Naruto'd had enough.

"Oi, Sasuke." He said, getting the other boy's attention. "I'm bored. Let's go kick the shit out of each other while we wait for our sensei to get here."

The Uchiha blinked at the crass request, before he replied. "What about waiting here?"

The blonde rolled his eyes and held his hands in a cross symbol. A puff of smoke later and an exact duplicate of the boy was standing next to him. "Don't worry," The new blonde said. "I'll tell the bastard where you are when he gets here."

Sasuke looked between the two a few times, before he shrugged and nodded, letting the original blonde lead him out of the classroom.

Sakura was too stunned to say anything until after the two had left, and by then it was too late. She stayed behind in the classroom to wait for their teacher like a good little schoolgirl, but she did want to follow them. By the time the clone came over to talk to her, the original and her love interest were both down on the training field, and she watched from the window as Naruto showed Sasuke his new sword, and apparently agreed to let the boy kill some clones with it.

"You know, you don't have to wait here if you don't want to." The copy said, somewhat startling her.

"How are you even _doing_ that?" She asked.

The clone shrugged overdramatically. "We dunno. All that matters is I can, so why bother wondering about the how? I can stay up here waiting for hours if need be. I'll wait for our bastard sensei if you want to leave."

She pondered his words, and shook her head. "No, it's fine. I'll stay."

With another shrug, he muttered "Suit yourself" and proceeded to rummage through the desks and storage in the classroom.

Eventually her curiosity won out, and she asked "What are you _doing_?"

The clone looked at her like she was stupid for a second, before he replied. "Gathering supplies to set traps for our asshole teacher. Duh."

She palmed her face, but left him to it. Not her fault if Naruto got himself failed with is… if his clone got him… _Gah_! Whatever- it was Naruto's problem.

(*)

Well after Sasuke was done filleting shadows with the blonde's new sword, the two started a proper spar, in which he found out just how sharp that damn thing was. Still, he was much faster than Naruto, and managed to kill the few clones he used in the fight. Even Naruto knew he'd never learn anything from the spar if he just won by flooding the area in hundreds of copies and throwing them at Sasuke until he won.

Naruto was dusty and bruised, but fairly well-off. Sasuke was nicked and bleeding from several places on top of being battered and dirty. It was a pretty even fight, but neither of them were fighting to put the other down. Both of them had opportunities in the past hour of hit-and-run melee to send the other six feet under if they would've liked.

Still, they stopped when they saw Sakura walking up with a silver-haired man wearing a mask and covered in paint whose one visible eye was twitching quite vigorously even as it closed in a semblance of a smile. "My first impression of this team is… that I hate all of you."

"Feeling's mutual, you late-ass bastard." Naruto shot back. Sasuke only nodded while he caught his breath.

"Well, since we're all here, we might as well introduce ourselves." The Jounin said. "My name is Hatake Kakashi, and if you're lucky you'll live long enough for me to call you my students." His eye glared a little at Naruto when he said this. "But why don't we start off with your names and things like your likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the future and so on."

"Sensei, what do you mean? Could you give us an example?" Sakura asked.

The teacher thought on it for a moment, rubbing his chin, before nodding. "Okay. You already know my name… I have many likes, and some dislikes. My hobbies aren't for young ears, and my dreams for the future are top-secret."

All three of them stared at the man. Naruto raised his hand as if he was still in class and started talking without waiting for approval. "Can I opt out of it like that, too?"

The man seemed to smile. "Only when you're the Jounin of the team, since the cute little Genin have to answer fully and honestly."

The blonde sighed. "Fine. My name is Uzumaki Naruto, and I like Ramen, the color orange, and anything awesome. I dislike assholes, especially cockblocking bastards that don't know how to let the other guy get the girl he doesn't even want!" He shouted, shaking his fist angrily at the other boy of the group, who rolled his eyes. Sakura blushed and started huffing, even as their teacher chuckled a little. "Anyway, my hobbies are training, gardening and being awesome. I'm going to be the best damn Hokage ever, which is more fact than a dream but I guess it counts." He finished with a shrug.

"Well, that was amusing." Kakashi said, before he pointed to Sakura. "You next, pinkie."

She huffed at the name, but started anyway. "My _name_ is Haruno Sakura." She started, before pausing to think a little. Naruto's introduction might've been offensive, but it was actually pretty good… maybe she should put more effort into hers. "I like sweet foods, reading, and Sasuke-kun. I dislike spicy food, Ino-buta and that idiot Naruto." He whined as she continued. "I like puzzles and studying, And my dream for the future…" This time she glanced over at Sasuke before she blushed and started tittering girlishly.

Great. A fangirl. Well, at least she was maybe a salvageable one…

"And you?" Kakashi asked, turning to Sasuke.

The boy scoffed. As if he didn't know who he was? "My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I like a few things, and dislike the rest. My hobbies are training and exercising." Same thing, brat. "My dream for the future… it's less of a dream and more of a goal. I'm going to bring my family's name back into prominence, and kill a certain man."

Gloomy.

"Well, now that that's over with…" Kakashi started in a chipper tone. "I have the great pleasure of informing you all that you're well and truly fucked, since every Jounin sensei gets to administer an aptitude test to their new team of cute little munchkins. As previously stated, I don't really like you, and if you fail the test, I don't have to keep you. A Jounin's time is precious after all, so no one wants us to waste it on a bunch of slack-jawed idiots who'll just get themselves killed anyway. Then you'll get tossed back to the Academy to wait for another Jounin stupid enough to take you on. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?"

Both of the other Genin were glaring at Naruto, the probable cause of the Jounin's ire.

"Still, if you _do_ manage to pass, we'll be a team. That means we'll train and go on missions for the good of the village together for the foreseeable future." The man stopped hamming it up at this point. "Meet at training ground three tomorrow morning at six, and be ready to have the shit kicked out of you." He turned away to leave, but stopped. "Oh, and don't eat breakfast. You'll just throw it up anyway."

With that, the man was gone. The three stared at where the man was standing where he disappeared for a moment, before Sakura sucker-punched Naruto right in the cheek and sent him flying to the ground.

"Thanks a lot, idiot. Now we might not pass whatever test he's got lined up!" She shrieked at him before stomping off.

"Love you, too, sweetie!" Naruto coughed back from his little cloud of dust.

The glowering Uchiha had his two cents to put in, as well. "You really are pathetic, you know."

The blonde was already up and dusting off his new coat. He really liked that coat. "Not my fault I like 'em tsundere." The blonde was pointing at his 'friend' almost as if lecturing. "It's her problem for being way too tsun and not enough dere."

The class star palmed his face. "I hope you never make children."

Naruto gave him a deadpan glare. "Is that what that's all about? You just don't want more of _me_ running around? Well guess what?" They were suddenly surrounded by clones. "Too late, bitch!"

"Not what I meant, and you know it." Sasuke grumbled, shouldering his way through blondes to start on his way home. "Don't screw up the test tomorrow." He tossed back as he left.

"Same to you, asshole!" One of the clones retorted. Naruto wasn't sure which one.

So now what was he going to do with the rest of his day? Meh, he'd train more, he supposed. It couldn't really hurt, especially if he came up with a few new tricks before tomorrow. Until then, he'd go tell Ayame and Teuchi all about his awesome day.

(*)

The next morning was pretty incredibly dull. It was ten minutes past the time they were supposed to start already, and they all felt pretty sure it was going to be another hour or two before the Jounin showed up. Still, it wasn't all bad. Sasuke had shown up the same as before, except with a wakizashi strapped behind his waist. Apparently he'd really liked Naruto's sword and decided to dig through his clan's stuff to find one for himself. It was a standard Japanese short sword, with a blue scabbard and blue threading for the grip. There was even a tiny Uchiha crest halfway down the length of the sheath.

Sakura, now the only member of the team without a phallic killblade of her own, wasn't sure what to think of it, other than be annoyed at boys being boys, and needing their toys. Except it was Sasuke-kun. So naturally she was irritated at Naruto. It didn't make much sense to her, but it helped drown out the boredom, so she didn't really think about it.

"So, what'd you do last night, bastard?" Naruto opened up conversationally. The other kid had obviously found himself a sword, but the blonde was curious as to what else he'd found to do after he left yesterday.

The Uchiha grunted. "I found some scrolls from my clan on proper sword technique, and started learning basic stances. Not that it'd be any help to a dead-last like yourself."

Sakura had never understood why Sasuke called Naruto that. Naruto wasn't too great in the class rankings, but he hadn't been anywhere near last. Then again, she didn't know about their history from before the standard classes. She just assumed it was a put-down that Sasuke used for the blonde because he could.

"Yeah, no. Why don't you practice your little sword-holding tricks while we wait though? I'm sure they won't wear you out too badly before the test. It's just picking up a sword after all." The blonde taunted.

"Fine." The Uchiha glowered, unsheathing his blade and holding it out in front of him in a neutral stance, checking his footing and hand positions.

Much to Sakura's surprise, he didn't seem to mind at all when the blonde got his sword out and stood next to him, copying his form. Sasuke started slowly swinging his curved sword at different angles, and Naruto watched for a bit before doing the same with his own straight blade. Sakura watched them cycle through offensive and defensive stances as well, keeping the same slow pace and focusing on getting the stances and motions right rather than doing them with any speed or force. Before she knew it, their Sensei had shown up.

"Well, this is surprising. I didn't think you two would want to wear yourselves out before the test, but to each his own, I suppose." The Jounin knew full well they weren't tired. They were limbered up and ready now, compared to the girl of the team who'd sat there like a lump which could wind up leading to cramping or stiffness that could get her killed depending on what this mysterious 'test' was.

He just felt obligated at this point to bait and barb them instead of compliment them.

Still…

"Okay. I have here two bells and a timer. Anyone who gets a bell from me before the timer goes off gets to stay on the team." He then tied the small jingling silver bells to his belt, before setting the timer down on the stone dais next to him. "Anyone that _doesn't_ get a bell not only goes back to the academy, but they don't get lunch either."

Of course, Naruto had eaten breakfast as usual to spite the man, and Sasuke had eaten a light breakfast because going into battle without the energy to survive was just stupid, even if the exertion might make you throw it up later. In the end, Sakura was the only one whose stomach growled ominously at the thought of missing two meals in a row.

"You have until noon. Ready? Go!"

Sasuke and Sakura dashed into the trees and foliage then, but Naruto stood defiantly. "You know, this doesn't really make much sense. I just can't figure out why." He told the Jounin.

The man smiled. "And that is why I'm the Jounin, and you're the Genin." He took out a little orange book then, and began to read. "Standing around out there in the open is stupid. You're going to need to come at me with intent to kill if you want to stand any chance of success. Luckily you're just a Genin, so I can fight and read at the same time without worry." He turned a page as if to taunt them.

"Ne, Sensei. Can I have a bell please?" Naruto asked, holding out his hand.

The Jounin's unamused stare rose above the book. "No."

The blonde shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

So the boy pulled the sword from his back and charged, swaying a bit as he ran to keep the man on his toes in case he changed trajectory to come from a different angle. The Jounin eyed his straightforward assault halfheartedly. "I guess that's that, then."

When the blonde finally got to him, he swatted the sword aside with the flat of the book, and thrust his hand out in a lazy palm strike. Of course, 'lazy' for a Jounin could still take a Genin's head off, which it nearly did as Naruto barely dodged to the side, rolling past the teacher and coming back up with a rising strike from below. Again the blade was easily turned away, and this time the blonde narrowly avoided a kick that would've dislocated his shoulder. The boy spun in a flashy way that would've gotten him killed if Kakashi was fighting seriously, and came in with a horizontal slash. What Kakashi couldn't understand was why the boy was fighting with the sword in his right hand, when the files clearly said he preferred his left.

Ahh, the kunai aimed at his leg would be why.

Naruto had pulled a knife from his sleeve with his main hand to try and cut down the Jounin's mobility with the sword strike covering it as a distraction. Still, he wasn't one of the village's elite for nothing. Blocking the sword hand at the wrist with the spine of his now-closed book, he grabbed the boy's left wrist with his own free hand and flipped the boy into a throw.

The blonde flipped in midair and managed to stick his landing, but still…

Kakashi was already behind him. "You're too flashy and arrogant for a Genin. I'm going to teach you what happens when you take on a Jounin." His hands were in the Tiger seal, and he crouched low behind the boy. "Konohagakure Hiden Taijutsu Ougi: Sennen Goroshi!" And with that, he promptly poked Naruto right in the butt with his outstretched fingers.

He was honestly a bit surprised when Naruto burst into smoke, though. Hah, he was a Kage Bunshin the whole time. The kid was better than he thought.

Well, okay- he wasn't a Kage Bunshin the _whole_ time, but Kakashi didn't know that. Still, Kawarimi with a clone was pretty hard to detect when they look pretty much exactly the same as the original. It was also fairly difficult, hence Kakashi's assumption that that wasn't what Naruto had done.

Still, Naruto couldn't help but shudder at how much that would've hurt if he'd gotten hit with it. Well, time to go find Sasuke and see if he could trick the bastard into getting _his_ damn butt poked.

(*)

"Hey, bastard." He said once he'd found Sasuke.

The startled Uchiha turned back to him, before he calmed down. "What?"

Naruto was squatting on a branch behind where Sasuke was currently hidden in a tree. "We should kick his ass."

Sasuke seemed to ponder this for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of working with the blonde, before he eventually nodded.

"Cool." He replied with a grin. "You go in hard and fast and I'll run support with my clones."

Sasuke stared at him for a moment. "You're not going to leave me fighting a Jounin alone, are you?"

"Oh come on, would I do that?" Naruto asked, affronted. Sasuke continued to stare. "…while there's a test on the line?" The blonde amended. After a moment, the Uchiha shrugged his assent. "Cool."

(*)

Kakashi was actually having a rather nice time reading and relaxing after he'd put Sakura in that Genjutsu. That'd been a while ago and he wouldn't be surprised if she'd recovered by now. Still, her constitution might be low enough that it could've put her out for the rest of the test…

They really would let anything that might develop tits through the academy these days, he supposed.

No, he had to admit she was smart, but books wouldn't keep you alive out there. She would've done much better in an entire team designed to fail, and stuck in clerical duties that required a military rank. Cryptology or archive maintenance would be good fits.

Meh, he could always request a new third member if he really wanted to. She _did _have some Genjutsu potential. Enough to warrant her placement on a strike team like theirs if her tests were accurate. It wasn't his specialty, but he could set her along the path to getting there. Very few people made it to Jounin without _some_ sort of Genjutsu training.

Still, not his problem if none of them could see through his test or at least work togethe-

…oh look, a kunai.

He leaned back and held the pinky of the hand holding his book out, slipping it into the ring of the kunai that was flying at him and essentially catching it.

Why yes, he _was_ a show-off.

He spied Sasuke coming in from his left. With his left eye covered, that would appear to be his blind side to the Genin. Of course, he'd trained to the point where it wouldn't matter if he only had one eye out, and he knew his blind spots better than anyone else. He wouldn't have survived the past decade otherwise.

A lone charge out in the open was pushing it even for Sasuke's ego. There had to be some sort of plan going on. Still, he'd meet the boy head-on if that's what he wanted.

Just before he would've clashed with Sasuke, he heard shuffling behind him. Far off, at least ten… It was a dozen clones sneaking up behind him as fast as they could run silently. Unfortunately for them, Kakashi had been sent off to fight in the Kusa skirmishes after the third ninja war had officially 'ended' and the only ones left fighting were rebels and minor villages. Like Kusa. You don't leave the grasslands while a Kusa-nin wants you dead unless you can tell the difference between the whispers just under hearing range.

His hand snapped out like a viper, grabbing onto Sasuke's forearm before he could react and flipping him into the air before bodily hurling him into the oncoming clones.

Then he turned around to block the throwing knives coming in from the direction Sasuke had charged from. That must be where the original Naruto was, along with another few clones. He stomped his foot down on a leg that was coming up to try and sweep his feet out from under him, snapping the bone and bursting the clone, which set off the melee in earnest.

(*)

She really couldn't believe her eyes. Sasuke was fighting Kakashi, but not just that, there were half a dozen copies of Naruto supporting him, and they seemed to actually be pushing the Jounin back. He'd even _put his book away_!

There were knives and shuriken occasionally coming in from the trees, along with clones to replace the steadily dwindling number fighting the Jounin. Every time he'd lash out with a debilitating blow against the Uchiha, a clone would nudge or knock him out of the way to take the hit. Even then, the Jounin was replying with his own throwing weapons to pick off clones, or nicks and slashes to dispel the blondes. It was like an intricate dance that she held no part in. She wouldn't fit, even if she tried…

But she had to help somehow, even if those two passed instead of her, she'd help Sasuke to achieve his goals. So she took out her own knife, and threw it.

The unscripted addition to the deadly dance had its consequences however. The one clone that'd finally gotten in close enough to smack that damn mask off the bastard's face with his fist was in the way, and exploded when her knife hit him square in the back.

She barely had time to feel horrified over possibly ending the fight in the Jounin's favor when he grabbed her knife out of the air and stabbed it down into another blonde who was reaching for the bells.

Of course, through the smoke in his face he really couldn't tell that the boy he'd just stabbed was still there. That had to be painful though… as he grabbed the tiny silver bells and dashed away, yelling that they'd done it. They'd won.

The clones, Sasuke, and even the Jounin stopped at that, to look over to the cheering boy dancing around with his hands cupped together, despite the knife still lodged in the back of his right shoulder. He thrust out his hand victoriously, dangling the tiny bells from their wire like a pair of cherries from their stems. "Suck it, Hatake!" He yelled.

The Jounin looked… surprised. Somewhat shocked, but there was a hint of pride to the way he looked at the blonde as well. "So you got them. Well then, everyone out here now, and the clones can dispel."

Sakura took this as her cue to emerge from the bushes, sulkily making her way up to stand behind the boys.

"Well, Naruto. You got both bells. The point was for whoever would pass to each get one, but I suppose you could give one away if you wanted." The man said with a shrug.

She was so shocked to find a bell pressed into her hands that she barely registered Sasuke receiving the other.

"Ehh? That's not how this works…" The Jounin started again. "Explain yourself."

The blonde grinned and shrugged. "Well, I don't really need it. I'm really not a bad fighter, and my stealth is pretty damn good when I want it to be, so I could train for another few months and join up with ANBU as a trainee, get intensive training for them for another half a year or so, and then spend a couple years as an ANBU which is pretty much just a super-specialized Chunin anyway… and after that I could do pretty much whatever I wanted." He glanced over at his slack-jawed teammates. "Sakura _really_ needs training under a sensei, or else she's going to die in the field pretty quickly. And Sasuke? Fuck Sasuke. He can handle it his own damn self."

The Jounin couldn't help it. He laughed. When he noticed the three staring, he nodded. "Well that settles it, then. Naruto- when I'm not available, you'll be the team's leader."

"But… then… I… what?" The blonde choked out. His teammates were fairly stunned as well.

They could all see the man smiling despite his mask. "You rallied the team together. Even Sakura helped in the end, and yes I know that was you." He added when he saw her glance down embarrassed. "The entire point of the test is that it shouldn't be possible to win. It's unreasonable to think three rookie Genin could take on a Jounin… that was just a way to get to the real part of the test- _teamwork_."

When they all looked uncomprehending, he continued. "The entire point of having teams is teamwork. So that we can do together what none of us would be able to do alone." Except me, being an awesome Jounin. They didn't need to hear that part. "If none of you had shown teamwork, then the entire team would have failed. Remember, those who don't follow the rules are trash, but those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash." He turned to the boys. "Sasuke and Naruto, I'm very impressed with not only your teamwork, but also your skills. That sort of fighting and teamwork would have easily been able to match a Chunin, but don't let it go to your heads- you've still got a long way to go." He said, seeing the boys gloating eyes and internal cheering. He then turned to the girl. "Sakura, I'm disappointed in you, but you're not a fighter like Sasuke and Naruto. We have time to work on that. Your file shows you'd be better in a support role, with other members of your team. You have the talent and ability to be very skilled in Genjutsu. That's where we'll start with your training." The girl nodded, still shaken by her poor performance.

Seeing the team rather galvanized together about as well as he could hope after the first day, he nodded. "Meet here tomorrow at the same time to begin team training. Take the rest of the day off and celebrate- it'll be the last chance you'll get for a while."

And with that, the Jounin disappeared in a flurry of leaves.

(*)

It was several days later that Kakashi entered the seemingly empty office of the Hokage, save for the villages leader himself. He walked up to the desk and leant up against it while the old man continued his paperwork. Most would never be so casual in this office, but he wasn't most ninja. So he waited comfortably until he was addressed.

"So, you think they're ready? That's surprising. It hasn't even been a week." The old man said without looking up from his work.

"They're very surprising kids." The man said, smiling proudly at what he held in his hands. It was a framed picture, instead of his usual orange book.

The old man scoffed. "Able to actually _beat_ the bell test… they'd have to be." He nodded with a smile. "Alright. It won't be anything dangerous, but I'll see what I can do."

"That's all I ask." The Jounin said, setting the picture down on the desk and rising to leave.

When the man was gone, the Hokage lifted the same picture. It was of the same man who'd just left the room, and three children. In the middle was a pink haired girl grinning girlishly outward, her smile so wide her eyes were closed. To either side, the man's hands were placed on two boys. The blonde on her left was swatting away at the man's hand overdramatically, his coat flailing behind him with his movement. The dark-haired boy to the right glowered at the camera, enduring the playful rustling of his hair.

Yes, Hiruzen decided, they would be just fine.

* * *

So yeah. Still not too much divergence, but more than the last and next chapter will be pretty much all new stuff.

…aaaaand I'm really not sure what else to say. Beta still hasn't looked at any of my stuff, but he says he's reading it now. XD

So if you see anything wrong with my spelling or grammar, just let me know.

Also, I'm not sure if it's immediately apparent, but there at the end, Kakashi brought a copy of his team's photo with him for Sarutobi and left it there on the desk.


End file.
